Terms of Apocalypse

PLEASE READ THESE TERMS OF SERVICE ("TERMS") CAREFULLY BEFORE USING TRASHBARON.ORG ("THE SITE"). BY ACCESSING OR USING THE SITE OR PURCHASING ANY PRODUCT, YOU AGREE TO BE BOUND BY THESE TERMS. IF YOU DO NOT AGREE, DO NOT USE THE SITE.

1. The Basics (Who We Are)

TrashBaron™ ("TrashBaron," "we," "us," or "our") is a satirical entertainment website and novelty product retailer operated by EvilTECH ("the Company"). The Site is located at https://trashbaron.org.

TrashBaron sells novelty entertainment products, including but not limited to digital and physical "deed of ownership" certificates to fictitious plots of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. These products are satirical novelty items sold for entertainment purposes only.

2. The Big, Obvious Disclaimer

YOU ARE NOT PURCHASING REAL PROPERTY, REAL ESTATE, MINERAL RIGHTS, WATER RIGHTS, SOVEREIGN TERRITORY, OR ANY LEGALLY RECOGNIZED FORM OF LAND OWNERSHIP.

Let us be painfully, legally, unmistakably clear:

• The Great Pacific Garbage Patch is not "land." It is a diffuse zone of marine debris in the North Pacific Ocean. No one owns it. Including you, after your purchase.
• Your "deed" conveys no legal rights, property interests, easements, access rights, development rights, mineral rights, fishing rights, naming rights, or any other rights whatsoever in any jurisdiction on Earth (or elsewhere).
• The coordinates, plot names, sector designations, and all other geographic references on the Site and in certificates are fictional, satirical, and generated for entertainment purposes.
• No government, international body, or legal authority recognizes, endorses, or has any involvement with TrashBaron or the "deeds" we issue.
• Your purchase is a novelty entertainment product — comparable to "naming a star" or "buying land on the Moon." These are established categories of novelty gifts.

If you believed you were purchasing actual real estate in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, we strongly encourage you to consult with a qualified professional.

3. Products and Services

3.1 Digital Products

Certain tiers include a digital "Deed of Ownership" certificate delivered via email as a PDF. Digital products are delivered electronically after purchase confirmation.

3.2 Physical Products

Certain tiers include physical items such as printed certificates, framed certificates, wooden plaques, and/or pieces of sanitized ocean plastic encased in resin. Physical products are manufactured on demand and shipped to the address provided at checkout.

3.3 Product Descriptions

All product descriptions on the Site are written in a satirical, humorous tone. While we make every reasonable effort to accurately describe what you will physically receive, the comedic framing (e.g., "dominion over seagulls") should not be interpreted literally. You will receive the tangible items listed in the product description for your tier — nothing more, nothing less.

4. Pricing and Payment

All prices are listed in United States Dollars (USD). We reserve the right to change prices at any time without prior notice. Payment is processed securely through our third-party payment processor (currently Stripe). We do not store your credit card information on our servers.

By making a purchase, you represent that you are authorized to use the payment method provided and that the information you supply is accurate and complete.

5. Charitable Donations

TrashBaron represents that a portion of proceeds from sales may be directed to ocean cleanup and environmental organizations, including but not limited to The Ocean Cleanup. However:

• TrashBaron is not a registered charity or nonprofit organization. Your purchase is not a tax-deductible charitable donation.
• We do not guarantee any specific percentage or dollar amount will be donated from any individual purchase.
• Donation recipients, amounts, and schedules are determined at our sole discretion and may change without notice.
• Do not purchase a TrashBaron product as a substitute for making a direct charitable donation. If your primary goal is to support ocean cleanup, we encourage you to donate directly to The Ocean Cleanup or the environmental organization of your choice.

6. Refund Policy

6.1 Digital Products

Due to the nature of digital products (immediate delivery), all sales of digital-only products are final. No refunds will be issued for digital certificates once delivered.

6.2 Physical Products

If a physical product arrives damaged, defective, or materially different from what was described, contact us within 14 days of delivery at the email below. We will, at our sole discretion, issue a replacement or a full refund.

We do not offer refunds for buyer's remorse, change of mind, or dissatisfaction with the satirical nature of the product. You are buying a novelty item. The description is on the website. You read it (hopefully).

6.3 Chargebacks

If you initiate a chargeback or payment dispute without first contacting us, we reserve the right to contest the dispute with documentation of your purchase, the product description, and delivery confirmation. Fraudulent chargebacks may be reported to the appropriate authorities.

7. Intellectual Property

All content on the Site — including but not limited to text, graphics, logos, images, code, animations, certificate designs, product names, and the TrashBaron™ brand — is the intellectual property of EvilTECH and is protected by applicable copyright, trademark, and other intellectual property laws.

You may not reproduce, distribute, modify, create derivative works from, publicly display, or commercially exploit any content from the Site without our prior written permission.

Purchasing a product grants you a personal, non-exclusive, non-transferable license to display and enjoy your certificate for personal use. You may not resell, sublicense, or commercially exploit your certificate or any claim of "ownership" derived from it.

8. User Representations

By using the Site and making a purchase, you represent and warrant that:

1. You are at least 18 years of age or the age of majority in your jurisdiction.
2. You understand that all products sold are novelty entertainment items with no legal, financial, or property value.
3. You are not relying on any representation not explicitly stated in these Terms.
4. You have the legal capacity and authority to enter into these Terms.
5. Your use of the Site does not violate any applicable law or regulation.

9. Limitation of Liability

TO THE MAXIMUM EXTENT PERMITTED BY APPLICABLE LAW, IN NO EVENT SHALL TRASHBARON, EVILTECH, ITS OWNERS, OFFICERS, DIRECTORS, EMPLOYEES, AGENTS, OR AFFILIATES BE LIABLE FOR ANY INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, CONSEQUENTIAL, OR PUNITIVE DAMAGES, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO LOSS OF PROFITS, DATA, USE, GOODWILL, OR OTHER INTANGIBLE LOSSES, ARISING OUT OF OR IN CONNECTION WITH:

• Your use of or inability to use the Site or products;
• Any reliance on the content of the Site, including but not limited to the satirical representations made about "ownership" of ocean debris;
• Any third-party conduct or content on the Site;
• Unauthorized access to or alteration of your data or transmissions;
• Any other matter relating to the Site or products.

OUR TOTAL AGGREGATE LIABILITY FOR ALL CLAIMS ARISING FROM OR RELATED TO THE SITE OR ANY PRODUCT SHALL NOT EXCEED THE AMOUNT YOU PAID FOR THE SPECIFIC PRODUCT GIVING RISE TO THE CLAIM.

10. Disclaimer of Warranties

THE SITE AND ALL PRODUCTS ARE PROVIDED "AS IS" AND "AS AVAILABLE" WITHOUT WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, WHETHER EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, AND NON-INFRINGEMENT.

We do not warrant that:

• The Site will be uninterrupted, secure, or error-free;
• Any specific piece of ocean debris will be present at any given coordinate;
• The Great Pacific Garbage Patch will continue to exist in its current form (we actually hope it won't);
• Your "plot" will remain in any particular location (ocean currents are, famously, unpredictable);
• Any wildlife described on the Site actually resides in any specific area;
• Your certificate will impress anyone at dinner parties.

11. Indemnification

You agree to defend, indemnify, and hold harmless TrashBaron, EvilTECH, and their respective owners, officers, directors, employees, agents, licensors, and suppliers from and against any and all claims, damages, obligations, losses, liabilities, costs, or debt and expenses (including reasonable attorneys' fees) arising from:

• Your use of and access to the Site;
• Your purchase or use of any product;
• Your violation of these Terms;
• Your violation of any third-party right, including any intellectual property or privacy right;
• Any claim that your use of the Site caused damage to a third party.

12. Governing Law and Dispute Resolution

These Terms shall be governed by and construed in accordance with the laws of the State of Florida, United States, without regard to its conflict of law provisions.

Any dispute arising from or relating to these Terms or your use of the Site shall be resolved exclusively through binding arbitration administered by the American Arbitration Association ("AAA") under its Consumer Arbitration Rules. The arbitration shall take place in the State of Florida. Judgment on the arbitration award may be entered in any court of competent jurisdiction.

CLASS ACTION WAIVER: YOU AGREE THAT ANY DISPUTE RESOLUTION PROCEEDINGS WILL BE CONDUCTED ONLY ON AN INDIVIDUAL BASIS AND NOT IN A CLASS, CONSOLIDATED, OR REPRESENTATIVE ACTION. If for any reason a claim proceeds in court rather than in arbitration, you and TrashBaron each waive any right to a jury trial.

Notwithstanding the above, either party may seek injunctive or equitable relief in any court of competent jurisdiction to protect its intellectual property rights.

13. Severability

If any provision of these Terms is held to be unenforceable or invalid, such provision shall be modified to the minimum extent necessary to make it enforceable, and the remaining provisions shall continue in full force and effect.

14. Entire Agreement

These Terms, together with the Privacy Policy and Refund Policy, constitute the entire agreement between you and TrashBaron regarding your use of the Site and purchase of products, and supersede all prior agreements, representations, and understandings.

15. Modifications

We reserve the right to modify these Terms at any time. Changes will be effective immediately upon posting to the Site. Your continued use of the Site following any changes constitutes acceptance of the revised Terms. We encourage you to review these Terms periodically.

16. Contact

For questions about these Terms, contact us at:

Email: legal@trashbaron.org
Entity: EvilTECH
Website: https://trashbaron.org